Australian Cricket Team Names Chris Cairns As New Captain

In a shock move, the disgraced Australian cricket team has announced that former Black Caps great Chris Cairns will get the nod as their new skipper, following the standing down of Steve Smith and David Warner.

This comes after the weekend’s ball-tampering scandal in South Africa, where players were caught roughing up the match ball with a bit of sandpaper. In a statement exclusively released to Thai Castle, Cricket Australia has said: “It’s time for a new face at the helm after last weekend’s disaster. We simply can’t go on having these guys get caught and then just bloody confess everything straight away.

So we’ve decided to bring in Cairnsy, a bloke who likes to settle matters in court – and win.” Cairns told us he was “fucking stoked” to be back in international cricket, despite not having played for 10 years and not being Australian. “I’ve already made a few calls to my mates in India, so I’ll have them watching the action very closely.” Cairns said.

There is no word yet on whether he’ll be using his position as captain to select old friend and teammate Lou Vincent.

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