I’m Beauden motherfuckin’ Barrett and I’m the man. Here’s what you need to know if you’re gonna come watch me and the boys fuck some shit up in the Super Rugby season.
1) Strap goon bags to your crotch. If any security guard pats you down and feels them, just say they’re your sweaty sacks.
2) Make sure your 17 brothers are with you to form a protective wall around you when you walk through the gate. Everyone has heaps of brothers like me, right?
3) Fill the goon with vodka. Wine is for pussies so smash that back before you leave the house, then refill it with some Smirnoff.
4) Practice your sidesteps and pace. Even though you’ll be quicker than any fat security guard, make it look cool by breaking their ankles when you evade them.
5) Wrap your hand around a Cody’s or can of Diesel. Those things are fuckin’ small, so you can cover up the label and pretend it’s a can of V.
6) Dress up as Captain Hurricane and jam the costume full of 40s.
7) If you drink enough hard spirits before you go in it should still be in your piss when you go to the loo. Catch it all in a plastic cup and go hard, it doesn’t taste that bad.
8) Save some for me when the game is over, I’ll meet you by the players tunnel CHEEEHOOOO!