Stephen Kearney drops entire squad for 2017 Premiership, recruits 2011 finalists instead

Off the back of their three humiliating Nines defeats at Eden park over this weekend, Stephen Kearney, has decided it’s ‘time to face facts’ and has decided to drop the entire squad listed for the upcoming 2017 season. Instead he is spending all of Sunday afternoon texting and calling the 2011 Premiership squad who made the final in 2011, in an ill-advised recruitmeny drive.

Mason lilo was gutted to hear he no longer had a contract with the team, but decided to focus on the positives instead.

“Yeah, it’s rough being given the chop after so much service to the club but at least now I can focus on NCEA level 2 this year, and Manu will stop doing that stupid trick on me where he takes his gold teeth off and on again. It’s not funny, quite frankly Manu’s dental hygiene is poor and he is paying the price. Go away with your cavities“

Stephen Kearney is reported to have not slept the entire night on Saturday and instead was tossing and turning over whether to sack the entire team or disestablish the Warriors in order to save further embarrassment.

Thai Castle can reveal that so far James Maloney and Michael Luck have changed their cell phone numbers since hearing the news.

Ukuma Ta’ai hasn’t been seen for two years after telling family that he was going to a pool party at Kim DotCom’s mansion, and Russell Packer is unsure if he’s even allowed back in the New Zealand after stomping on a Sydney resident’s head in 2014.

Kevin Locke accidentally sent the burning of his Warrior’s jersey to his Snapchat story which will make things slightly awkward during preseason, but he’s not sure where else he might be able to get a job.

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