EXCLUSIVE: John Key quits because ‘Richie didn’t text me back’

In a Thai Castle exclusive, former Prime Minister John Key has revealed that the real reason he stood down is due to a falling out with former All Black captain Richie McCaw.

‘I message him all the time and he never wants to hang out anymore. I even tell him I’ll pay for all the beers on a night out, but he’s ghosted me hard’ Key said.

Key said that the lack of attention has sent him into a deep depression that’s left him unable to continue as the leader of New Zealand. And Bronagh was getting jealous.

‘I’m always the first one to like his shitty Facebook posts and the amount of times I’ve pretended to look interested while he talks about his boring helicopter shit…well, you’d think he’d want to get out on the piss with me? But no, my phone’s been quiet for pretty much all of this year. I’ve been trying to hang out with Shaun Johnston to make Richie jealous, but he doesn’t want to know me either.’

When contacted by Thai Castle, McCaw had a brief statement: ‘Man, fuck that guy. He kept asking me to pretend we were in the changing rooms like before the World Cup. Fuckin’ creep.’

Meanwhile, rumours swirl that Max Key will take over his father’s job. So far he’s released a series of policy announcements, most notably relaxing party pill legislation and funnelling more tax payer money for his music career.

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