New Zealand Mourns As Justin Marshall Is Diagnosed With Pink Eye

New Zealand has woken up this morning to the devastating news that their much loved rugby commentator, Justin Marshall, has been diagnosed with Pink eye and faces a long time on the sidelines before commentating another game.

Marshall went to bed at a normal time on Sunday in his lavish Rydges Hotel penthouse. It is written in his contract with Sky Sports should he ever need to travel for commentating duties that the finest hotel room will be found to accommodate him and his ego. Downstairs, on level two, the camera crew and fellow commentators who are more personable and likeable had shared bunks.

As we know, Pink Eye is most often contracted from tomfoolery in the bedroom, often when someones anus cheeks are spread onto ones pillow and fecal matter is delicately placed onto the pillow without the bed occupier knowing.

The likely culprits are

Scotty Stevenson – Scotty has been paranoid for some time about his role as Head Honcho of the Sky Sport Rugby team and it is well known he is bitter that he never went further than a substitute for Premier Reserves in 2005, whilst always being surround by All Blacks – 8/10 suspect

Taine Randall – Very unlikely culprit. Has no relationship to Marshall and/or the general New Zealand public.

John Hopoate – reknowned for having stinky fingers (and not in a good way), Hopoate could have transferred the fecal matter from someone elses anus – 8/10 suspect

Bob Parker – well known former Christchurch Mayor who may be wanting to shake things up to get back in the limelight – 70 years old.

Robin Bain – unlikely, as he is dead, but not sure who killed him – 1/10

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